Things the FMA Characters Would Never Say
by IceSnowAndGlamour
Summary: Exactly what the title says. Shoes, marriage proposals, rampages of insanity, marinara sauce, and the world of Fullmetal Alchemist has gone very wrong in the best way possible.
1. Chapter 1

**I don't own FMA or anything else mentioned here.**

**How many minds have I scarred now? **

**If you have any suggestions for other lines/characters to use, feel free to suggest them!**

**You may have read "Things the Shakespeare Characters Would Never Say", which I wrote and am working on another chapter for. Here is another work of scary lines!**

Hohenheim: Edward, your mother is still alive. Your real mother is….Maria Ross.

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Rose (brandishing machine gun): GIVE ME THE CHOCOLATE AND NOBODY GETS HURT.

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Havoc: We must protect all the children from the toxic influence of nicotine!

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Envy: Ohhhh, Father Cornello! Transforming into you fills me with desire! TAKE ME, MY LOVER!

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Roy: Sloth, my dearest, will you marry me?

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Mei (Foaming at the mouth): BLOOOOOOOODDDDDD!

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Scar: Winry. I am…your father.

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Black Hayate: Meow.

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Ed: Yes, I think these six inch stiletto heels will look great on me.

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Barry the Chopper: And now, I shall play a graceful concerto on the piano.

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Lust (wiggling eyebrows): Hey foxy, want to know how I got my name?

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Greed: You're a wizard, Harry!

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Ling: Do you know how many calories this has? I'm on a diet.

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Al: Do you like my new toupee?

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Sheska: I love books! Especially when they are served with marinara sauce.

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Bradley(singing): Don'tcha wish your girlfriend was hot like me? Don'tcha wish your girlfriend was a freak like me? Don'tcha…

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Father: My wonderful children who I love so dearly! I'm so proud of you all, my darlings!

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Izumi: Now, my students, today's lesson shall be from this textbook, _Starter Alchemy for Children_.

…

Riza: OMG what cuutee shoes!


	2. Chapter 2

**And here's more :-) **

**I still don't own FMA. And if anyone catches the Mean Girls reference that has been FMA-ified, you rock the house.**

**I'm still taking suggestions, in case anyone has ideas! **

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Sloth (suggestively): So, Bradley, if I'm "Juliet Douglas"…you must be "Romeo"…

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Roy: Oh, Edward my truest of loves, ride off into the sunset with me and we shall be together forever! Kiss me!

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Ed(to Miles): So if you're from Amestris, why are you Ishbalan?

Olivier: Omigawd, Ed. You can't just _ask_ someone _why_ they're Ishbalan.

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Hughes: Well, I'm one fly guy and I just can't help that I'm a playa.

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Winry: Mechanics, it's like the males of the world...difficult!

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Kimbley: I understand that this is wartime, _but what about the children?_

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Gluttony: All the people must find spiritual peace with themselves, become at one with the universe. For if we cannot, we cease to be.

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Dante: Wow! Father is a much better villain than I am….I should ask him for tips!

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Bido: I had no idea there was so much romantic fanfiction about me…I never knew they thought I loved Roa…

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Envy: Lust, what's fanservice?

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(mangaverse)Pride: I LOVE YOU AND YOUR HUMAN COUNTERPARTS, ALPHONSE ELRIC!

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Armstrong (eerie smile): There is nothing quite like conquering a land…taking the lives of the people…gaining ultimate power…

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LanFan: Hm…well…yeah, I think I would like to take around four years to heal, Doctor. You know, just in case. Better safe than sorry, I guess…

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Marcoh: And so I was all like, "I totally _invented_ that stone, so yeah, you better not mess with me because I can totally _destroy_ that thing as well, so think twice before you like want to mess with me ever again!"


	3. Chapter 3

**Here it is again : )**

**I don't own FMA, or "I Feel Pretty" (Thank you, Zchocolatebunniesrulezworld, for the suggestion!) or "Physical" (Thanks, TooSexyForMyShirt for that suggestion!)  
**

**My email has been weird about sending me reviews, so if it takes me a long time to reply or something I probably haven't received it in the email. XP**

Riza: Damn it, Envy! STOP CALLING ME "MOM"!

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Miles: …and that's how I became a Nashville country music legend.

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Scar(singing): I feel pretty, oh so pretty…

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Sloth (manga) (singing): Let's get physical, physical! I wanna get physical, let's get into physical! Let me hear your body talk,your body talk, let me hear your body talk!

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Mrs. Bradley: And so I told those soldiers, "Yo, I am one gangsta you just don't want to mess with!"

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Father: When I become ruler of the universe, all female homunculi will be required to wear TINY MINISKIRTS!

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Winry (fangirl voice): Hohenheim is SO HOT.

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Falman: Woohoo, Spring Break! Let's party!

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Pinako: Ed, how does this bikini look on me?

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Ed: When I grow up, I'm marrying Olivier.

Al: Sure, you can, but I'm totally marrying IZUMI!

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Archer (relaxed tone): Peace, love and happiness, dudes. That's what it's all about…

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Al: When I get my body back, I'm becoming a supermodel, but first I'm going to eat people.

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Wrath (anime): So if Sloth is my mommy…Pride, are you my daddy?


	4. Chapter 4

**AN: AHHH I've been sooo busy lately. XP That's why I do not update so much…**

**Disclaimer: I still don't own FMA…but if I owned the manga, Fu wouldn't have died and if I owned the anime the homunculi would have become humans (except Pride…) Oh and I don't own "Just Dance" by Lady Gaga either.**

Rebecca: I've fooled you ALL! All along, I have been a Drachman spy! Hahaha, Amestris, you're going to become one with Mother Drachma!

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Ed: Hey, Envy, you know what, could you put in a good word for me to Father? Because I think being a homunculus would be the coolest thing, like, EVER.

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Ran Fan (_singing_): I don't remember but it's all right, all right, just dance! Gonna be okay!

..

(anime) Sloth: No, Dante! I'm going to run away from here and take the one-way bus to Hollywood and become the biggest, greatest star they've all seen! I'll show you!

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Father: I'm so jealous of Lust, why does she get to work black so well and I don't!

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Trisha: I'm not actually dead. My alter ego is Scar.

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Scar's brother: Alchemy is a boring lame pastime for weird people who have no life!

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Gluttony: I'm just so awesome. Everyone is after me because they're just so jealous of me, and that's not my fault. Holla!

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Roy: I have found my calling! I'm going to become an Ishbalan priest!

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Fuery: Proletariats, join me in my quest to bring down the capitalist oppressor, Bradley!

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Martel: Snakes are just gnarly. All those scales and creepy stuff!

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Winry: I'm going to become a State Alchemist and take over the world, unleashing my boiling flames of revenge upon the military.

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**(these three are courtesy of Nimrochan, thank you! And if you're reading this, go read Nimrochan's funny fic, Fullmetal Lol.)**

**Lin: I'm full.**

Heinkel: CATNIP! *orgasm*

Scar: (to Kimblee, after he blows stuff up) are you gonna clean up this mess or what?

…


End file.
